It’s taken me awhile to find the words because there are none. I’ve had to stop and come back several times. I’ve had to break down and cry. I’ve had to articulate what my heart is FEELING while struggling with what my brain is THINKING. It’s an ongoing battle and can get soul crushing at times.
My Dad, Les, passed away Saturday night, December 11, 2021, at 7:20 p.m. I was on the plane flying to Minnesota when his spirit was lifted from his body and I believe he was guiding me home to be with my Mom and siblings.
He was 57. I am 38. You do the math. He had so much life yet to live. He was married to my Mom, his high school sweetheart, for 32 years. We went through a lot to say the least. If you know me you know that our relationship wasn’t always easy and we had a lot of ups and downs. He was a simple yet complex man. If you knew him you understand. He was not an easy man to live with. He left us with a lot of things unsaid. You always think you will have more time.
If you knew him though you knew he was proud. Proud of his Wife, proud of his kids, proud of the life he built, proud of his family and friends. He was also loyal and would do anything for anybody. I know he loved us with all his heart the best he could. He was a lot of things to a lot of people, and I take comfort in knowing he meant so much and had an impact on people the way he did. We are all devastated and numb and it will be a struggle to accept this new reality and navigate life without him.
I would be remiss to not share what has become an increasingly common situation.
My Dad was unvaccinated. He tested positive with Covid. It killed him.
Every word of those last three sentences makes me angry and sad. Our worst fear played out like a movie that we had already seen. We didn’t get to be with him, hold his hand or tell him that we love him.
As a parent you say you would die for your children, but would you live for them? That is what I struggle with everyday. That is what makes me angry and sad.
I don’t care for the word closure. His death is not an end to anything. Instead I find moments of peace where my heart is not battling my brain. Again, an ongoing battle that I will have to navigate for the rest of my life. Hearing a Def Leppard song will never be the same. A lot of things will never be the same.
I am thankful for this critical time that I have had with my Mom, Ross, Amie and Kate. The honesty, truth and connection that we have had has been life-changing and I don’t know what I would do without them.
To my Husband, my rock and my best friend, I thank God for you everyday. You are always there to support, carry and lift me up when I need it.
To Hailey and Griffin, thank you for allowing me to be your Mom. It is my greatest achievement of my life.
My Dad is now one of my guardian angels along with Keli Jo, Grandpa Earl and Grandpa Henry. I will forever be grateful for all the things he taught me. The good and the bad. I Love You Dad. #rockon
