Monday, October 1, 2018


This week has been hard. Like really hard. Like brain exploding one minute and then heart exploding the next. My eyes are tired from all the tears, but my hurt is full from all the love.

First off, we had to put our little Bella down last Sunday. She was almost 12 and as much as we hated doing it, it was time. She became blind about 4+ years ago and had gone downhill since then. She would only sporadically eat her food for the past few weeks, so we knew the time was getting closer.  Hailey of course was a wreck which made it 10x worse. But nevertheless, we rallied together and got through it as a family.

The vet called me on Friday morning saying that her remains, etc. were ready for pick-up. Wayne and Griff picked up her ashes Sunday morning and Griff was so cute about it. He wanted to hold her on the way home. Needless to say this didn't help with our emotions going into the month of October.

Today is October 1st. If you are new around here, please read HERE and HERE.

It’s been 365 days and there isn't one day that goes by that I don't think about that night and how differently things could have turned out. I wanna say that I'm doing well, but I guess it just depends on the day and time. It depends on where I am or what I'm doing or who I'm with. There are a lot of different factors that determine my mood and/or level of anxiety at any given time and I know that my fellow survivor family can relate.

For me it's not all about October 1st. For me it's more about October 2nd and everyday after. It's about continuing to process what we went through not only that night, but as the sun rose, as the city started moving and as we started healing as a community. It's not just about what we saw, what we heard, what we witnessed. It's about the healing I have done since that day, but also the healing that I have yet to do. It's about my everyday since that day.

It's about my amazing support system in my Husband and children. They are my motivation to keep going and be the best person, Wife and Mother I can be. They are my entire world and I try and show them that everyday. My one thought and fear as I was running for my life that night was that I just hoped that they knew how much I loved them. That's all I for Wayne, Hailey and Griffin to know that I love them with all my heart.

It's about all the amazing people I have met since then. It's about all the amazing friends I now have since that night. It's about the relationships and the connections I have with my people now. That is my silver lining in all of this

It's about my two friends that were with me from Minnesota that weekend. I admit that I not only have #survivorsguilt, but guilt knowing that they wouldn't have been there if it wasn't for coming to visit me in Las Vegas for that weekend and that country music festival. To Samantha and Katie. I am so thankful that we made it out of there alive. I don't want to imagine it any other way. I love you both so much!

For me it's about the VGK organization and the friends that have come out of our #goknightsgo family. They will never truly know how they have helped this community and me and my family especially.

It's about how my city reacted and still reacts. For me it's about all the positive things that have come out of that very dark time and even though it sucks that it happened, I am thankful that I am still here to live everyday with the people I love.

A year ago we were #VegasStrong and now on October 1, 2018 we are #VegasStronger.

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