Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Roller Coaster of Emotion {Part 2}

Wednesday, June 30, 2010 (6 wks)

This was the first week that I had received one of these "you're 6 weeks pregnant" emails from The Bump and wasn’t expecting it and then to read that it is starting to sprout eyes, ears, etc. I immediately got teary eyed and had to call Wayne. I forwarded him the email to look at and I told him I got tears in my eyes. I said it was starting to hit me that I am growing this little person inside me. So then I went back to read all the details about the previous weeks.

It was a very pivotal and emotional moment for me and I am so happy and extremely lucky to be experiencing all this, especially with my best friend and Husband, Wayne.

Friday, July 9, 2010 (7 wks, 2 days)

Wayne's Mom had bought us a gift in celebration for our first "real" Dr's visit.  Real meaning an ultrasound hearing the heartbeat for the first time.

Photobucket

We are huge Twins fans, so it was so cute and thoughtful. (These will now be kept for a later date.)

There are a few other entries as from this point on. We told a few other family members such as Gramma Kleene (who was super excited to be a Great Grandma) and a few other close friends such as Wendy and Jenny Lemons aka Lemonhead (because I am a bridesmaid in her wedding on 9/4/2010 and thought she should know). We were basically counting down the days until our first OB visit.

Monday, July 19, 2010 (8 wks, 5 days)

After the excitement of telling our families and some of our close friends, we ended up finding out through an ultrasound at what was supposed to be our first OB appointment that we had a blighted ovum. Finding out this is actually quite common, eased the pain some, but it was still quite emotional because I didn't have any bleeding or cramping whatsoever. To me (and my body) I was till pregnant. My Husband was stunned and saddened and to my Dr this had been her 3rd one that week. She reassured us that there was nothing we could have done to prevent this and she truly was heartbroken about it as she knew how excited we were. 

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Instead of being 9 weeks pregnant, I was giving blood to determine if my hCG (hormone) level was going down.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

That morning we met with our Dr.  again for the second time that week and she confirmed that indeed my hormone level was going down. Not good. At that point my body still wouldn't let go, so we had to talk about options. I decided on a D&C for the following Wednesday morning. That meant more waiting.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

On what was supposed to be my 10 week mark, Wayne instead took the day off (bless his heart) and we arrived at the outpatient/surgery department of the hospital at 9:30 a.m. for my surgery that was scheduled to happen at 11:00 a.m. I was scared and nervous, but once again after talking with Dr. Emery, she assured me that everything would be fine. She also wanted to make sure that even though it was a physical process, I was doing OK emotionally. She had told me before, this is an emotional procedure, just as much as a physical procedure. I can't thank her enough for how supportive she was throughout the whole process and I can only look forward to her being my Dr in our future endeavors.

After getting pricked 4 different places by 3 different nurses for the IV and being told I had "old granny" veins it was time to go. I was wheeled in a recliner into the operating room and got onto the table. I didn't have a general anesthetic but I had a MAC anesthesia. Which meant that I wasn't completely put under, but I would still be out, and not remember anything. Which was totally true.  Once I was laying down, the nurse told me she was going to give me something that made me sleepy. From there I don't remember anything until I was back in the same chair being wheeled down the hall to recovery.

The process was no more than 30 minutes and even though I was awake afterwards I was still out of it. They went to get Wayne from the waiting room and when I saw him standing in the doorway I immediately started crying. The nurse gave us a few minutes and I finally calmed down as the two of us talked about what had just happened.

Both Wayne and I realize that things could have been a lot worse and there are so many other scenarios that would have been less desirable, but for us this has been the biggest thing to happen to us to date.

We also know that there are couples out there (some of them friends of ours) that can't even get pregnant or it took them months and months to get pregnant only to have a miscarriage and then for it to happen again a second time.

As this is our first miscarriage (and hopefully last) we are trying to look at the positive aspects in this whole thing: A) I can get pregnant. We know this much is true. There are a lot of women that don't even get this far; and B) It only took us a couple months to get there, which is another plus as hopefully that is a good sign for the future.

Another positive thing to come out of this situation that we realized is that it made our marriage even stronger than it already was. I believe that Wayne and I had a great relationship and could talk about anything and everything. We know each other inside out and he truly is my best friend. He said from the time we found out that he would support me in any decision I made as it was my body. I know I am truly blessed everyday to have such a special man in my life that is my rock and loves me unconditionally and it really put the words through thick and thin, for better or worse into new perspective.

For me now that the process is done, the thing that makes me the most sad is that we will never get those first times back. We will never have that first positive pregnancy test again. Wayne and I will never have that "Oh shit, what did we just do" moment again. We will never have the first time of telling our parents that they are going to be grandparents and the look on my sisters' faces will be different than the first time. There are so many things that will never be the same again.

But as the saying goes, "you gotta roll with the punches." That could never be more true.

Now that my surgery and 2 week recovery period is over and we are getting back to our normal routine, we still cannot start "trying" for a couple more months. More waiting.

Wayne's Aunt Dianne and I had a great conversation last week. I talked about this experience and she talked about adopting her daughters from Russia and how long it took for them. We agreed that more often than not the best things in life are truly worth waiting for. I know that this experience will contribute to us being the best parents we can be and we will be that much more grateful when it does happen to us.

Thank you to everyone for all the loving support. 

Leah